Bad Me!!!

So, I organized the first Ladies' Cleaning Day at our church. I scheduled it for yesterday because that was the day that worked best for all of the ladies. I was feeling bad because I wouldn't be able to help with the actual cleaning due to the MS. I've been having a lot of problems lately with it and am unable to do many things that I used to do with no problem.

I wanted to do something for the ladies, so I decided I would provide their lunch. The night before, DH & I took our daughter to her first class at her new ballet school. There is a really great grocery store near there. We stopped and I picked up all different lunch meats and cheeses, some pickles and olives, some delicious potato salad and macaroni salad, rolls, etc...everything I would need to make it a nice luncheon. I stuck it in the cooler so it wouldn't spoil while we went in to Friendly's for dinner as a special treat for our daughter. She LOVES their chicken noodle soup. Don't you know it -- I exit the building and step on an uneven portion of sidewalk. My right foot turned one way & my body went the other! Thankfully, DH was there to catch me before I hit the concrete!

By the time we got home that night I was barely able to move. My back is OUT! I only slept for about 2 hours that night, but I managed to get up Friday morning in time to make up the deli platters. They looked really good, much to my surprise. (I'm not that gifted in rolling meat. Shocking...I know.) I was determined to take the trays to the church & at least fellowship with the ladies. It wasn't long before I realized I couldn't do it. Actually, my husband suggested that I needed to take my pain pill and lie back down. UGH!!!! I hate when he's right about my being stubborn.

So, I reluctantly sent the Pastor (my DH) down to the church with all the food. The ladies completely understood. In fact, two of them stopped by after cleaning to tell me what all they had gotten done and to check on me. They were very sweet.

I'm still down today. It looks like I'll probably miss church tomorrow. It's kind of hard to get ready when you can't move! I don't like missing church. Don't tell him, but I actually like listening to my husband preach. :) I didn't care too much for our former pastor's preaching. He purchased his sermons online. He was a very smooth speaker & flashy...using PowerPoint and all that jazz. My husband hasn't been able to use the PowerPoint because the former pastor took the laptop with him & has yet to return it. I think he's bringing it back in a few weeks. My husband studies out his messages as led by the Holy Spirit. You can tell the difference. He's not as eloquent, but what he says has more of a punch. It's hard to explain.

I'm feeling like a not-so-great PW (pastor's wife). I was raised in churches that expected so much out of their pastor's wife, but I physically can't do it all. I have a hard enough time just getting our laundry done each week! Forget about cleaning the house! It just doesn't happen unless DH does it.

It's depressing at times. I remember vividly being able to give my home a thorough cleaning in just a few hours. I remember being able to cook everything from scratch. I feel a song coming on...

"I can bring home the bacon (ba-da, da-dum).

Fry it up in a pan (ba-da, da-dum),

And never, never, never let you forget you're a man!

'Cause I'm a WOMAN! W-O-M-A-N

Let me say it again..."

Does anyone else remember those Enjoli commercials? You have to imagine the strip-tease music to really get the full effect of my breaking into song here. (Yes, I said strip-tease...my blog is named "Confessions of a Pastor's Wife" for a reason! I'm way too rotten to be a pastor's wife!) I'll have to look for that commercial on YouTube. I remember picking up a package of bacon in the grocery store when I was just a little girl and breaking into song. My Grandmother thought it was so funny. My Mom...not so much. I'd just belt it out at the top of my lungs and soon have an entire audience of shoppers watching. Any-hoo...

I just can't do it anymore. Accepting that fact is a process. I still try to convince myself that I can when I know deep down that I cannot. I end up over-doing it & being down for a week or longer because of my stubbornness!

God knew before I was even born that I would have MS. He knew who I would marry. He knew that He was going to call my husband to be a pastor. I just feel like I'm letting people down. I think it comes from being the go-to gal for many years (or the Enjoli woman without the perfect body). I was so overly active in everything. Whenever anyone needed something done, they came to me.

Well, enough of this pity party. Sometimes writing it out helps me to realize that it is just the devil trying to get me down. I'm no good to anyone when I'm wallowing in self-pity -- especially to God.