Our Last Goodbye

Dean and Dee, 2010

When I was 4 he got married.  I was not a happy camper.  I really was mad at his new wife because I was going to grow up and marry my big brother!  How dare she!!!  But, reluctantly, I hugged him goodbye as he left for his honeymoon.


When I was 8 I stood proudly beside him as he in his full dress U.S. Army uniform led my class in the Pledge of Allegiance.  I had brought him in for show and tell.  Then, I went out with him to his car and hugged him goodbye as he left for the airport heading to Germany where he was stationed for four years.


When I was 10 I watched our lane for hours waiting for him to get there!  Two years without seeing him was torture!  He was coming home from Germany for Christmas!!!  I enjoyed watching him wallop my other older brother for all the mean things he'd done to me while he was away.  Then the New Year came and he and his family had to head back.  Once again I hugged him goodbye and watched the airplane leave Dover Air Force Base.


When I was 14 I spent a whole month with him on the Army base in Massachusetts.  I had so much fun being "Aunt Stacey" to his 4 children.  He introduced me to the music of Steven Curtis Chapman.  He took me to see all the historical sights he could.  We got to watch the fireworks on the 4th of July from a special viewing area reserved for soldiers and their families.  It was AWESOME!  Not just the fireworks, but being the only single girl on an Army base full of very lonely young men.  It helped that at 14 I looked like I was much older. ;)  Of course, my big brother had to be just that...my big brother and protect me from all those handsome young guys in uniform.  I forgave him...eventually.  My parents came to pick me up at the end of that month.  Another goodbye hug without knowing when I'd get to see him again.


When I was 16 he was discharged from the Army with military honors.  I was so happy!  HE WAS COMING HOME FOR GOOD!!!  He became a pastor of a church about 30 minutes from where I lived.  I'd go to his house and babysit sometimes.  Sometimes I'd play the piano for their VBS or revival meetings.  Each time as I'd leave we'd hug goodbye.  Only now it wasn't with the "when will I see him again" feeling.


As I stood giving my Valedictorian speech at graduation he was there.  This time I could see the proud look on his face.  Then he gave me a great "I'm so proud of my little sister" goodbye hug.  That was an awesome night.


A few months later I was packing for college.  I was just about ready to leave when he showed up with a huge box for me.  I opened it up to find a computer and printer.  My brother...the computer whiz kid had built me a computer to take with me to college.  Of course, in 1990 it was HUGE and heavy.  We put it in the van with the rest of my stuff and hugged goodbye once more.


Later I ended up transferring to another college that was closer to home, and I met a young man at church.  He was an obnoxious jerk.  He got saved and was then a saved obnoxious jerk.  He set his mind on the fact that he was going to marry me.  We ended up at the same college.  He told my big brother, "You know I intend to marry your sister.  One day she'll be my wife."  My big brother just laughed.  A few years later on our wedding day my brother shared that story just before officiating our vow ceremony.  It was now my turn to leave for my honeymoon, and as I did so he hugged me goodbye.  (By the way, my new hubby was no longer an obnoxious jerk.)


Peter & I bought a small trailer to live in while we saved up to build our dream house.  (We didn't know at the time that God had other plans.)  I came home one day from work and found big brother building me a small front porch.  He said, "I know this isn't your dream house, but we can sure make it a great home for you in the meantime."  I cried.  When he was finished, I gave him the biggest hug goodbye.


After our baby girl was born I'd take her to work with me.  I set up a nursery in my office.  In the afternoons I'd teach piano and she'd sit in her baby swing.  I can't tell you how many times my brother (who happened to live next door to my office) would come steal her.  I'd have to go to his place after lessons were over and steal her back.  He said, "You've been the cool aunt to my kids for years, now it's my turn to be the cool uncle."  And he was.  My daughter loved when he'd kidnap her.  Each time I'd just laugh as we hugged him goodbye.


Fast forward to February, 2011.  Now my family is moving to Illinois.  We know we are doing what God wants us to do.  The day we left I spent the afternoon with him.  We made plans for him to come visit next spring.  We reminisced about all of these things I've just written about.  We laughed and cried.  Then it was time for me to leave.  We hugged goodbye once more.


I wish I had known that it was going to be the last hug goodbye.


Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011, he left his 53-year-old earthly body behind for a heavenly one.  I didn't get to hug him goodbye because I'm in Illinois and he was in Pennsylvania. 

Dear Dean,
     I know you aren't into the whole "blog thing" and all, and that you feel strongly that we shouldn't put anything on the internet because the government is watching every word... but I'm going to do it anyway.
     I didn't get to say goodbye this time, but I'm so glad that I'll get another "hello"!!!  Until we meet again, big brother, I'm going to trust that our Savior is giving you those hugs that I so want to give you.
     I'm very thankful that you are no longer in pain and that you are finally cancer free FOREVER.  I'm jealous that you are with Dad, but I am confident that you are both taking notes on what our idiot brother is doing wrong so you can both tell him when he gets there.
     I love you.  I wish I could have said that to you one more time before you left, but I do think you knew it in your heart.  Until we meet again know that you are in my heart forever.  I won't be able to look at chocolate covered cherries this Christmas without thinking of the many boxes I snuck to you through the years without your wife seeing.

Love you so much!                   

"We can cry with hope

We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no

And we can grieve with hope

'Cause we believe with hope

(There's a place by God's grace)

There's a place where we'll see your face again

We'll see your face again..."

~ Steven Curtis Chapman