I Remember Her...

...that woman who would have 5 decadent desserts and 3-5 side dishes (all made from scratch, of course) prepared for the church picnic.  Not only would she have all of that ready, she'd be in charge of making sure that the kids had lots of fun games and prizes to enjoy.  She'd have all her family's clothes for the picnic washed and ready to go, plus Sunday's clothes laid out and ready.  The problem is that when thoughts of her flood my mind, the tears flood my eyes to the point that I can't get anything done.  I try so very hard to put her memory out of my mind -- and I often succeed at it.  Not today, though.

Today as I was struggling for hours with making 1 decadent (albeit very easy) dessert and 1 side dish, my mind rushed to thinking of her... the "me of the past" and I just got so angry with myself.  The more I thought of her, the more I decided that I could do it all.  So, I'd get in over my head more and more.  Before I knew it, 7 hours were just gone and I still hadn't finished just the 2 simple items.

I went to get the laundry out of the dryer and sat down and just cried.  I was so mad at myself for not being able to do all that I used to do.  I was frustrated and then I began to have a full blown pity party.  It wasn't pretty, let me tell ya!

Then I realized that the only one who was upset about my not doing all that I used to be able to do before the MS was me!  So, as I'm sitting in front of the dryer completely covered in tears I began to change my thinking.  Instead of thinking of all the things that I can't do, I started thinking of all the things that I can do right now that I couldn't do a year ago or even a few months ago for that matter!  For instance, I played the piano at a VBS at a friend's church last night.  Couldn't have done that a few months ago!  Sure, I hit some sour notes, but a few sour ones after years of not being able to hit any come out sweet in the end.  Well, maybe not to the other people listening, but to me anyway. ;) 

I also thought about the 13 steps I have to do to get down to the basement to do the laundry.  I couldn't have done that either.  Now I do them probably 15 times or more a week!  That's so cool! 

Yep, I served myself up a big ole piece of perspective pie.  I am ashamed of myself when I fall into those pity party modes, but I'm working on it. 

So, tomorrow I'll be taking 1 strawberry dessert and 1 bowl of macaroni salad with me to the picnic.  The people in my new church family didn't know her and they aren't going to be expecting her to show up.  They are expecting me to show, though, so I should probably get to bed!