Ever Wonder Why?

I was emailed this & thought it was funny.

EVER WONDER WHY???

•Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

•Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

•Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

•Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

•Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

•Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?

•Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

•Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

• Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

• Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, but dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

•Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

•Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

•Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

•Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

•Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

•Why are they called 'apartments' when they are all stuck together?

•If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

She Just Keeps Me Laughing!

I read to my daughter every night. Yes, she is 9. I don't care! I'll keep doing it as long as she enjoys it and lets me.

The only thing that is a bit frustrating is that some nights she likes to interrupt over and over... and over again. Last night was one of those nights.

I was so very tired. We were about 2/3 through the chapter when the interruptions began. Finally I said, "Gidget, if you interrupt me one more time I'm closing this book!"

I got out 3 words -- THREE WORDS -- when I heard, "Mommy! Did you..."

Silence.

I gave her "the look" -- you know. The "are you kidding me?" look.

She bows her head and says, "I have shamed myself."

I LOST IT!!!! I couldn't stop laughing at her! Crazy kid!

Irish Luck

If you knew this Irish blooded girl, you'd know that I absolutely NEVER win... EVER! You wouldn't believe how many times I've entered to win something only to find out, once again, that I didn't win. :( I've been watching Wheel of Fortune just to see if my Spin ID magically appears so I can be whisked away to some tropical island or on an African safari... But, I'm happy for those who do win. My daughter will walk in the room as I'm audibly congratulating someone named Brandon F. from Boise, Idaho and say, "Oh. You lost. Again." Yep... that whole "luck of the Irish" thing completely passed me by... so I thought!

But this time I actually WON! I did! I actually WON something! And it's really cool! If you read this post you'll realize that this is something I really love. Sure, it's not a luxurious trip to somewhere... but it's something that I use every single day. I'm a practical kind of gal. This is great!

When I told Gidget that I actually WON something, her exact words were, "SHUT THE DOOR! You actually won something?" (Shut the door? Where did she get that?)

It came in the mail last week. I was very excited. I went into my closet to find something appropriate to wear for winning such a gift. Alas, my evening gowns were limited to a maid-of-honor gown from 1992 and my wedding gown.

I considered the maid-of-honor gown. Having been a bridesmaid more times than I can count (seriously...definitely over 20 though), the whole "three times a bridesmaid..." saying haunts my memory! When that 27 Dresses movie came out, people were calling to congratulate me for having a movie made based on my younger years as a perpetual bridesmaid! (Uh...Thanks??? But did you notice that I'm NOTHING like that skinny, gorgeous blond? And I don't remember EVER singing Bennie & the Jets while being drunk & dancing with some guy on a bar... or the scene in the car afterwards!!! Yikes! Do you people know me at all???)

I got rid of all the dresses just after my husband proposed. I had been engaged before, but with Peter... I just knew he was the one! The "three times a bridesmaid" curse was broken! I did keep this one dress, though, because out of the over 20 dresses... it was the only one I actually liked. Sadly, however, while gazing upon that beautiful dress I realized that this body would never fit into it again...EVER!

So I moved on to my wedding gown. I reached for the dress bag in which it has been lovingly stored for 13 years. I no sooner had it in my grasp when it dropped to the floor. I tried to pick it up. I tried again. I tried again. I took a nap. I tried again. I ate a protein bar to try to build up some muscle. I tried again. Failure. Then I remembered how heavy that beautiful dress was when I was wearing it the last time. The train was so long and wasn't detachable. After the ceremony my Grandma used the hooks on it to hook it up into a bustle (is that the right word?). I remember because my sweetie-pie husband had to keep his arm around me whenever I was standing from that point on or else I would topple over backwards. (Where are the video clips of that? I could have sent it in to that funniest home videos show & possibly won $10,000... no, I would have lost to the dog dragging the baby girl around by her diaper. By the way, WHO lets their dog drag their child around? Have you watched that show? I can't believe the things they allow their animals to do to their children!) And did I mention how incredibly difficult it is to sit gracefully in a beautiful wedding gown when you have, like, 20 yards of material bunched up behind your... well, you get the picture.

Where was I? Oh yes, the dress. So, obviously my wedding gown wasn't going to work. I'm resolved now to wear my best pajamas, slap on some lipstick, put on one of my daughter's princess crowns, and make a video acceptance speech when I recover from trying to lift my wedding gown. If I get it done, Denise, I'll send you the clip! THANK YOU!!! This is an awesome prize! :)

P.S. BUY ONE OF THESE!!! You won't regret it! You can order it from Denise & Nick HERE AT THIS SITE

P.S.S. I don't believe in Irish luck. I believe in unexpected blessings from my AWESOME God!

What a Kid!

So, tonight Gidget comes running into the room and says very excitedly, "Mom! Dad! I'm gonna need a pair of stilts and a man!" Then she ran off.

I'm thinking I'm going to need a little more info!

Mom's Special Brownies (A Tribute to Denise)

I was emailed this and immediately knew that I needed to dedicate it to DENISE.

MOM'S SPECIAL BROWNIE RECIPE

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING

Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far, far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

Collapse and call the baker for delivery.

BEST Closing Due to Blizzard of 2010

You know how closings scroll along the bottom of the news during snow storms and such? Well, here is my personal, all time favorite:

"Gates of Heaven now closed"

Hmmm... pretty sure God didn't send that memo in to channel 3!!!

BEST Part of the Super Bowl...FUNNY!!!!

So, I'm not big into sports. Neither is my DH. He only watches the final games: Super Bowl, World Series, etc...

Imagine my delight when this came across the screen:

I have laughed at this over & over & over again. It's just priceless!

For some reason, it makes me think of Denise's little E...

Need a Smile?

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day they will rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that you can do that with one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Facebook Drama

So, I finally took the plunge and joined Facebook. I did it as a way to find bus kids and other kids (now grown up) with whom I had worked for years at our former church. I have to say that it has been fun catching up with these kids (they'll always be kids to me), and I also have to admit that I've been sucked in to some of the other things on there.

When I saw this clip I just cracked up! Yes, he uses the "c" word a few times (the "c" word is crap... for those of you still wondering) and I'm sorry if it offends any of you.

Yes, I admit that I'm pretty much a FB virgin. I have no idea what some of the things are that he's talking about. But, I still find it funny.

I would totally post this on FB... but since I have no anonymity there I would get totally busted. I can just read the church newsletter headline... "Pastor's Wife Posts YouTube Clip Containing VULGARITY on FB" (shh... they don't know I accidentally use the "c" word occasionally -- but only in the most well-deserving of situations/circumstances. For example, when the doctor stuck a pair of 5" sharp tweezer-like thingies up my nose and dug around for what seemed like an hour. But even then I waited a whole 15 minutes until I was safely in the elevator alone with my DH to scream the "c" word at the top of my lungs.) But, hey, at least I don't say the word my Grandma lets fly out frequently followed by "excuse my French!" Yep... I was shocked to find out in my Christian school French class that that word was indeed NOT French for anything.

Sheesh... I'm really sounding like a hypocrite here. I should say that NO WHERE did I vow not to use the "c" word. I just choose not to use it... much. And this is a blog entitled, "Confessions of a Pastor's Wife."

Anyway, back to the whole "I would totally post this on FB if I could thing..." I'm kind of assuming that Bobbi will post it there since she spends WAY more time on there than I do. LOL. Plus, she did win the blogger award for being annoyingly...er, I mean extremely opinionated. (Just kidding! I LOVE Bobbi's blog!!!) Glad you're okay, girl! Losing control of a vehicle on ice is seriously scary!

You didn't say the "c" word, did you? (Bobbi's "c" word is cream cheese...make that "c" words.)

Not Bad...

Not bad at all!

I'm talking about my weekend with my in-laws. They were here for 2 days & nights and it went much better than expected.

Sure, my mother-in-law insisted on teaching Gidget the states in alphabetical order through song... the most annoying song since This is the Song That Never Ends... even after we asked her about 10 times not to do that because I'm doing something different with her in school and it would confuse things. (After she left my husband asked Gidget to name the states for him. She could only think of 4. We were up to 25 before Grandma's song. Ugh...)

And, just out of curiosity, since when did they change the order of the alphabet? Does Alaska truly come before Alabama now? Guess I need to consult with a newer episode of Sesame Street.

I guess I just dread visits because of the unknown element. My father-in-law is always the same. He's the constant. He comes. He eats. He naps. He reads. He naps. He plays with his granddaughter. He naps. He eats. He naps. He reads... you get the picture. He really loves me and has become sweeter since my Dad passed away. I think he's trying to fill the void, which is humanly impossible, but it's very sweet of him to try. The unknown element is my mother-in-law... because I never know which one of her is going to show up!

For example, she came down in December and took Gidget & me out for a girls' day. We had such a very nice time! It was fun and lighthearted... even when the heater in her van stopped working and we were FREEZING we had fun.

Most visits are filled with conversations where she insults me. Like she'll say, "Honey, I can come down and repaint your bathroom for you next week because I'm sure you wouldn't want anyone to see it like that." Hmmm... that's what she says but what I hear is, "What's wrong with you? Can't you see that the paint in the bathroom is peeling and looks like a lion has been caged in there and has been trying to claw his way out through the walls?!"

Or she says, "Honey, how about I come down next week and scrub the filth off of your floors for you?" I hear, "You're floors are covered with disgusting filth obviously left behind by the barnyard animals you've been entertaining and we need to have you committed."

Yes, one could argue that the problem is with my hearing and not with what she says... but you'd truly have to hear her for yourself to make that argument valid.

This visit, however, she didn't insult my housekeeping (or lack thereof). She was only slightly intrusive and completely disregarded just a few of our rules where Gidget is concerned, but all-in-all it was much better than it has been!

So, I thank you for your prayers. God was definitely at the center of this visit!

Gidget Gets Her Man!

Okay, so you have to read this post to truly enjoy the significance of this picture!


While not technically in the Barbie line (since when is Disney cheaper than Barbie??), she didn't seem to mind. :) Oh, and we were told she greatly appreciated the fact that he was already dressed as a prince because she had no intentions of ever changing his clothes!!!

I have other pics I'll post at another time, but I will leave you with a pic of Gidget's little dog, Ariel.

To say that Ariel was feeling very defiled is an understatement! Gidget sure enjoyed it though! It's amazing what you find at the Dollar Tree! And guess how much it cost??? ;)

What Gidget Needs

We were listening to Christmas music and talking as we were going over our Christmas checklist a week or so ago. Gidget's grandparents had requested that she give them a wish list. This year's theme: Barbie...anything! She was given a bunch of used Barbie dolls last year from a lady who used to collect them for her granddaughters to play with at her house.

Gidget really wanted the camper and we managed to find one. Then we saw how much they were selling for on eBay and were greatly tempted...

Anyway, so she's thinking and thinking about what to put on this list. Then she jumps up and yells, "I've got it!"

"Wonderful! So what's going on the list?" asks her Dad.

"Well, last year Grandma got me Barbie clothes. Remember? They were all fancy dresses," Gidget said to which her Dad replied, "I remember."

(Just throwing in here that I seriously doubt he remembered it at that point in the conversation...)

So Gidget continues with, "Dad, do you really remember or are you just pretending to remember? Because I remember that you kept laughing because I had my Barbies split up into basketball teams and had them dressed up in high heels and evening gowns and YOU kept teasing me about it!"

As her Dad stifles laughter he replies, "Yes, of course I remember. How could I possibly forget the Barbie All Star team's shoe jingle you came up with?!"

We all chant it in unison, "The pumps increase our jumps."

"Right. I'm surprised you remembered!" she replied. (As if we'd forget that!)

"So I'm guessing you're not going to ask Grandma for Barbie clothes, right?" I ask her.

"No. I think she shouldn't be in charge of fashion...although I'm grateful to her for giving it a try."

"I totally get that." replies the man who remembers as a boy being forced to wear orange and green checkered corduroys with a pink and yellow striped polyester shirt for picture day at school.

"I've been over and over this in my mind. I have white Barbies and black barbies and brown Barbies. I have blond Barbies and red-headed Barbies and brown haired Barbies and black haired Barbies and, well, you get the picture."

"Go on." I say, just waiting for what this beautiful mind has come up with this time.

"I have tall Barbies and short ones; grown-up Barbies and little girl ones. I've thought this through and through and, well..."

"WHAT I REALLY NEED IS A MAN!"

(one minute later)

"Mom? Dad? What's so funny? Why are you laughing like that?"

(five minutes later)

"SERIOUSLY? What's so funny?"

(ten minutes later)

"Are you two going to stop laughing so we can have a descent conversation?"

(five minutes after that)

"I'm going to my room."

My FAVORITE Christmas Commercial

The first time I saw this I was shocked. Now I can't stop laughing whenever I see it... BUT don't skip the video clip below this one!!!

No, honey, that is most definitely NOT what I want for Christmas! But, alas, this commercial pales in comparison to the next one.

If you're Jewish, don't worry -- CBS has it covered...

I don't know about any of you other women out there, but even if I were Jewish... that would most definitely NOT "light up" my Menorah!!!!

Laugh With Me

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

Too Funny!!!

A friend of mine e-mailed this to me. It is just so funny! You have to watch it when you have time!

Dead Cows

Do you ever watch Wheel of Fortune? I occasionally watch it. It makes me feel really good when I solve the puzzle quickly. I'd love to get a chance to be on that show! Of course, I'd stink when I got there... but I can dream. LOL.

So I'm watching it one night last week, and Pat Sajak and Vanna White are talking about road games they played as children. Gidget and I were laughing at the one Vanna played with her brother. They would count cows on their separate sides of the car and if there was a cemetery on their side of the road, it would "kill the cows" and they would have to start all over again. Whoever had the most cows at the end of their trip would be the winner.

I didn't give it much thought after that. Several days went by and my husband was driving me to physical therapy. Gidget was in the backseat. All of a sudden out of nowhere you hear a loud, "Oh great! Thanks a lot, Daddy! You just killed all my cows!"

Of course, my poor husband had no idea what he had done wrong. You should have seen his face! Gidget explained to him that he had driven by a cemetery on her side of the car and killed all her cows. She was quite upset about it to say the least... And who could blame her -- she'd been counting for almost 45 minutes and was up to 419 cows!

It was just really funny. You probably had to be there to really capture the humor in this, but I wanted to get it written up in my blog so years from now I can look back and remember how funny it was!

And trust me... when you're on your way to another grueling physical therapy session you need a good laugh!

Happy 4th of July!

Happy 4th of July!

May you enjoy professional fireworks and not have to endure not-so-professional (a.k.a. redneck) fireworks... like I do... all night long the night before, the night of, and the next 10 nights following!

But, alas, we do live in America where people have the right to be idiots. LOL!

Truly Hoping the Wisdom Lasts

Saturday Gidget and I were playing with her moon sand. For some reason we ended up watching the BMX competition. Having never been one to enjoy watching people take insanely stupid risks made this TV show choice odd for me! However, Gidget was really enjoying it...

My enjoyment came when I heard my little brown-eyed beauty start making comments about how so many of these riders doing these insane tricks were not wearing helmets. They were wearing baseball caps (as if that would protect them as they landed on their head!!!)....

My favorite comment came when one of the guys put on an awesome helmet just before he began his run. Out of the blue I heard my daughter say, "Finally, a guy with some common sense! I like a guy with a good brain in his head!"

Dear Lord, PLEASE let her always have this opinion!!!!

Another Downside

Okay, the other downside of which I have just become aware is the fact that when you say the word "print" it actually does just that!!! I was leaving the room and realized the floor was covered with papers where the printer had printed everything I was saying! UGH!!! Oh well. At least now Gidget as scrap paper for school. :-)

The Downside

Okay, so I am getting used to this new program. I really love it. It has some issues, but what program doesn't! At least I am now able to get outside my own brain and put things down on my blog or an e-mail!

The downside of this program is that there is no privacy whatsoever! LOL! It seems like every single time I sit down to dictate something, little ears prick up and suddenly become interested in what I have to say. Note that this is directly the opposite of what goes on during homeschooling. During that time, nothing I have to say seems of interest to her. Maybe I should put on my headset and dictate her lessons to the computer. Hmmm. I'm going to have to give this some thought...