Waiting

The time on the clock ticks by ever so slowly when you are awaiting news, doesn't it?  For instance, I got a mammogram last week.  The doctor's office called me Monday and left a message to call them back.  So I called them right back...and got told that I'd have to wait until she was free to call me.  I waited for six hours.  SIX HOURS.  I was so nervous and I couldn't seem to get anything done.  When I finally did get a call, it didn't even last 30 seconds.  "Your mammogram came back normal.  I recommend you get another one next year."  That was it.  Yet, it was a complete relief.

Now I find myself again waiting.  My brother has been in and out of the hospital for weeks now.  He's been battling skin cancer for years.  After this last round of radiation they said he was all clear, only he found himself back in the hospital a week later from an adverse reaction to a medication...so they thought.  Then, they thought that was under control & sent him home again...only to have him come back in that night because the x-ray showed pneumonia in his lungs.  After another week in the hospital, he was sent home again with the "all clear" message.  Then the next day he was rushed back in an ambulance.

After multiple scans and tests they said that the tumors on his lungs were growing at an alarmingly rapid rate. 

Wait.

Tumors on his lungs?

It was skin cancer, not lung cancer!

They did a biopsy of the tumors and said it wasn't cancerous...but they don't know what it is.  Then, he became non-responsive.  He doesn't seem to recognize anyone in his family.  Oh, and by the way, we found "something" on his brain.  We'll have to run some tests.

And this is the good hospital!

So, tonight he was rushed into emergency surgery because his brain was so swollen they had to go in to relieve pressure.  And I find myself waiting again.  Waiting for a phone call or an email or something to let me know my big brother is okay.

It's these times that make having moved away from home so hard.  Knowing we're where God wants us is priceless.  I wouldn't trade that.  Yet, tonight...I'd kind of like to be in Pennsylvania.

Please pray for my brother.

Looking for an Address...

...for my family! LOL.

Seriously, PLEASE keep this in your prayers. God has answered so many prayers in such amazing ways! I know that nothing is too big for Him.

I also know that He knows which house would be the best for my family. We kind of have our hopes up for this one in particular. The landlord has narrowed the applicants down to 2 families. We are one of them. We will be given an answer by Saturday.

PLEASE, PLEASE pray! I know God's got this under control. I lay this need at His feet and then go and pick it up again. How pathetic am I??? If it's a "no" then I must trust that God has a very good reason for it!

On another note, we are only about 1/3 of the way packed. All of the snow has slowed things down substantially. Don't get me wrong -- I absolutely LOVE snow! However, when you are supposed to be moving in only 2-1/2 weeks...you kind of need to be able to get everything out of storage so that you can determine what goes, what gets trashed, and what gets donated. With about 2 feet of heavy, wet snow between you and the storage shed... well, you can see how this makes things difficult. Again, God knows what He's doing when He sends the snow. It sure is pretty to look at.

I'm finally feeling better -- PTL!!! Gidget got an antibiotic yesterday and is beginning to feel better -- PTL!!! Now let's just pray we all stay healthy!

My Mom is NOT handling this move very well at all. She's trying to put on a happy face and be supportive, but she's hurting inside. Please keep her in your prayers. I truly wish she'd come with us, but she feels her ministry is here.

I should head back to bed. So much is running through my mind. I need to follow my own advice from a while back and just "Be Still" and know that He is God!!!! What an awesome, mighty God He is!

Until my next moment of insane rambling...

Abandoned

I have seemingly abandoned this blog. The truth is I have had things to say but by the time I get a chance to blog, I'm TOO tired! I do miss blogging, though. Hopefully I can do more of it soon. I doubt anyone reads this anymore, but I'd still like to get back to it because I enjoy doing it.

For now, I'm getting ready for a trip. I'm not going to go into the details, but this could end up being a HUGE answer to prayer! Please pray for safety for us as we travel, and that God would give us wisdom. For things to work out God is going to have to move some major mountains. I've seen Him do that before, though, and I know He will if this is His will for us.

Also, my hubby has a sinus infection. Please pray he gets better quickly & that Gidget & I don't get sick!

So, this is short... but, guess what??? I'm TOO tired to make it longer!

"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:19)

I Have NOTHING to Complain About!

Matthew West - One Last Christmas (A St. Jude's Chrismas Wish)

I should NEVER, ever complain... neither should I watch any video such as this one without a box of tissues beside me! Pray with me that God blesses this family this Christmas and comforts their hearts as only He can!

For His Glory

This past week our family attended a church service at a local Baptist church. I must admit that I didn't go in the right spirit. I hadn't slept the night before and that always makes getting my head (as well as my clothes) on straight a problem!

I sang along with the music portion of the service half-heartedly. My mind wasn't there. I was focused instead on what all I should have gotten done the previous day and what I needed to get done in the days ahead.

I was there in body, but not with my whole heart, mind, and soul.

Then, something caught my attention. An elderly gentleman, I'd say 80+ years old, slowly made his way up the aisle of the small church auditorium to the platform. He opened a folder and looked out at us and smiled. As the pianist began to play, he began to sing. He sang an old song entitled "The Christ of Calvary."

Suddenly I was there... not just in body, but in body, heart, soul, and mind. His fragile body was weak. His voice trembled as he tried to hit the higher notes. It was absolutely beautiful! Not the song, although it was a beautiful song, but the heart of the man singing it. He just had this glow about him. He was at an age where so many Christians "retire" from serving in any capacity. Yet, here was a man who was determined to continue to use what he could to bring glory to the Lord!

This has been on my mind ever since that day. I suppose what's bothering me is that this lovely gentleman is doing what I so desperately want to be doing, but just seem to have lost my way. I've lost "me" -- the me I was before the MS hit and took so much away.

When I was just a girl of 15 our church found itself without a pianist. I had been taking lessons for a few years and suddenly found myself sitting on that piano stool absolutely TERRIFIED! Yet, that's where I wanted to be... that's where I knew God wanted me to be, and I somehow knew He was going to help me. I still remember all those blunders I made as I stumbled through the first few months. I remember praying that God would please give me what I needed to become the pianist that our church needed. I practiced harder than ever. You know what? God made all the difference! He blessed me with an ability to play the piano far beyond what I was able to do just from my own ability. I became a really good church pianist. In fact, our church began to grow and so many people told my pastor that they were drawn in by the music. It was so like God to take an awkward girl and use her to fill that need! He could have drawn in a fantastic, seasoned pianist to sit on that piano stool, but He didn't. He used me.

While I was in college I continued to use my God-given musical talent to serve Him. I started a children's choir and drama club. We only had 5 or 6 kids when it began, but it grew to around 50 in a very short time. I directed several musicals a year. I absolutely LOVED it. The kids voted to call themselves the C.I.A. which stood for Christians in Action. Before I knew it we had become relatively well known. We were invited to sing at other churches for special events. It was amazing how God worked in the lives of those kids!

Our motto was "For His Glory" and every time we practiced or performed, we would gather up in a huddle, pray, and then shout, "1-2-3...FOR HIS GLORY!" My goal in working with these kids was to try to instill in them the importance of using their God-given talents for God throughout their lives. I stressed it every single time we were together. I'm truly amazed at how many of them embraced it! Many of these kids were bus kids from really sad homes. My helpers and I would pick them up in our cars and bring them out for practice. Since I joined Facebook I have been contacted by so many of them. They are grown now. Many are married with children of their own. Many are in Bible colleges. Many are serving God and have sent me messages thanking me for thinking they were important enough to "waste" my time on. That makes me cry. I always respond that it was an honor to be allowed to work with them. I never considered any of my kids a waste of time!

Now I'm just so lost. No longer can I play the piano. No longer can I direct musicals. Those are the things that I love to do for God, but He has taken the ability to do them away.

"Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly." (Job 1:20-22)

I think about all that Job lost and feel shame. I call this blog, "Confessions of a Pastor's Wife" yet I rarely confess much. Well, here I am confessing! I feel shame because I have these little pity parties often. "Boo-Hoo! I've lost so much! This MS is no fun and no fair!"

How pathetic am I??? Job lost so much more than I can even imagine and yet he found a way to still praise the Lord in the midst of it all!!!

I am sorry when I have these little pity parties, and I tell God so. I ask Him to forgive me. I know He does because His Word tells me in 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

That takes me back to the song that sweet gentleman sang. "The Christ of Calvary" -- Who was brutally beaten, spat upon, mocked, had a crown of thorns thrust into His precious head, and then crucified... all so I could sit here in my wheelchair and have a pity party?

Yes, I can do that... but I don't want to anymore!!!

I have lost the "me" I used to be, but I need to find the "me" He wants me to be now. When I was that teenager He gave me what I would need to serve Him-- for that time.
Is it such a reach to believe that He will once again give me what I need to serve Him now -- "for such a time as this"?

Won't you please pray with me that He will reveal to me how He now wants me to serve Him. I don't want to just sit around waiting for Heaven and do nothing to serve Him. I want to serve Him... I desperately NEED to serve Him!

1-2-3...FOR HIS GLORY!

"As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. If any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God; if any man minister, let him do it as of the ability which God giveth: that God in all things may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be praise and dominion for ever and ever. Amen." (I Peter 4:10-11)

"Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him." (Deuteronomy 13:4)

"Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good. Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer; distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality." (Romans 12:9-13)

For Denise...

My dear friend's Mother passed away this week. This song is dedicated to DENISE. She's probably not feeling up to watching it now and I wouldn't want to cause her anymore pain that what she's experiencing. I just want her to know that I love her and am praying for her as she goes through this difficult time. If you get a moment, click on her name above and leave her a word of encouragement. Above all, pray for her and her dear family.

Terri

Terri went Home about an hour ago. Please continue to pray for the family & my husband.

Update on Terri

This is the update we got this morning. The past few days we were really hopeful that she was going to pull through. However, this update isn't as hopeful. Please pray with us!

UPDATE:
Mom is now completely off of the breathalyze​r and oxygen. She is breathing on her own.

However, they say that her breathing is not efficient enough to sustain herself long-term. We know that this is due to the damage done to her brain stem, which cannot be repaired.

She is holding on, but we are told it is only for a time, and we do not know for how long.

At this point in the journey, there are three things you can pray for.

1) You can continue to pray for a miracle. This continues to be Mom's only hope of recovery.
and/or
2) You can pray that Mom will go home quickly and painlessly.

3) Pray for Dad.

We as a family are extremely grateful for those of you who have walked this road with us. Without a doubt we have felt the love of God through your words and actions.

PLEASE PRAY

A lady very near & dear to our hearts has been in a coma for almost a week. The doctors told the family that if she hasn't woken up or at least shown signs of improvement then difficult decisions will have to be made tomorrow. She isn't breathing on her own and she has a feeding tube. She's young... only in her early 50's. She has 3 sons. One who is teaching as a missionary in China, one who just got married & is in grad school, and one who just started college this year. They are all right there by her side in SC.

Her name is Terri.

Her family took my husband in when he left home at age 15. They played a significant role in his life and pointed him in the right direction. They worked him hard on their farm, and taught him so much about responsibility. God used them in a huge way in my husband's life. It's because they took him in that I met him. He loves her like a Mom.

You can read her Caring Bridge page if you'd like.

Please, please pray for Terri!!!

Praising God!!!

I am simply in awe of God! He has been so good to me!! I'm going to post what I've been sending in emails to friends... praise the Lord with me!

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"But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me." Psalm 66:19-20

With the progressive form of MS I have, the doctors had pretty much given up hope that anything would help me. The last resort was to use chemo to kill off my immune system entirely so that it would stop attacking my body instead of doing its job. When they all said “chemo” – it just freaked me out! I have so many people who I love who have been down that road due to cancer, and they are just so much braver than I am!

I was told this a few months ago, but I had to go through a bunch of tests before I could begin. All the while I kept asking God to give me direction and wisdom because I didn’t want to make the wrong choice. The chemo drug that I would be going on has a high risk of heart damage and Leukemia. I have a daughter! These risks just didn’t sound great to me. She already goes through so much having a Mommy who can’t do the things other Moms can do. She’s such a little trooper!

A few weeks ago after being told yet again that chemo was my only hope, I prayed and I cried for a long time. Then I accepted that it was what I had to do. I told God that I’d do it if that was His will for me and that I’d trust Him to take care of me. I was still scared, but I kept saying the verse “What time I am afraid I will trust in Thee” over & over again. It comforted me.

Then one day 2 weeks ago my specialist called & said she wanted to put the chemo on hold for a week. That was okay with me!! I began to wonder if God was doing something, but still wanted to be willing to do whatever it was that He wanted. When I got to the neurology department at Penn last Monday after a long 2 hour drive, I signed in and we went into the waiting room expecting at least a 45 min. wait which is standard there. After about 2 min. my doctor personally came out and got me. Another first for her! She said she was anxious to see me. She did a thorough exam and was very pleased to find some improvement since our last appointment. She said that was extremely odd given the form of MS I have and the fact that there was no improvement visible on the MRI.

Then she sat there and just stared at me with a weird look on her face. After a few moments of silence she said, “This is just all very odd to me. Obviously something inexplicable is going on in your body because medically this makes no sense. Since you are doing better without any treatment, I’m going to recommend that we put chemo on hold. If you have another attack in the next few months we’ll start the chemo immediately. If not, I’m going to put you on the oral medication that should be FDA approved early next year.”

Now, what I should explain is that the oral medication is what I have wanted to be on for the past two years! It was in clinical trials and I couldn’t pass the physical portion of the exam to get in the trial because you had to be able to walk the length of a football field unassisted. Being in a wheelchair pretty much ruins your shot at getting in that trial! The people I know from different MS forums who are on it have had wonderful success. But, in January I flunked the physical exam for the final trial phase and I was told that I’d have to go on something else. My doctor pointed out Monday that if I had been accepted in the trial, right now we’d all be thinking that it was the pill holding the MS back...and that I may have been put on the placebo instead of the real medication and been giving that the credit. Isn’t it great that God kept me off that trial so that He could be glorified!!!

My friend Brenda referred me to a doctor who takes a holistic approach. I figured, “why not” and went to see him. He gave me all kinds of supplement suggestions. Then we began seeing a nutritionist. While I can’t medically prove that all the supplements and the subtle change in diet had anything to do with stabilizing the MS, I truly believe that God used this to help me. Having said that, I never imagined taking so many vitamins in my life! It’s crazy...but it’s helping!

So, no chemo for me at this time -- PRAISE THE LORD!! My muga heart test came back extremely healthy...no problems there other than my daughter pulling at the heartstrings! :)

I realize this was a lengthy, jumbled response, but I’m just so truly amazed at God’s grace! You’d have to know my specialist to truly get the whole picture. She’s this brilliant hippie chick. Saying that she wants to put chemo on hold and do nothing is directly opposite of EVERYTHING she had said before and of everything my other doctors recommended. It was clearly an answer to prayer! It was clearly a “God” thing!!! Yes, I may have another MS attack at any point, but I told my husband that if I do than I must accept that as God’s plan as well.

I really appreciate your prayers, and would truly appreciate your continued prayers that the attacks would stay away. Thank you so, so much!

Isn’t God AWESOME?!!!!

Need Prayer

I haven't posted anything lately. First I was too busy, and now I'm sick. I would truly appreciate your prayers!

Yesterday I had a MUGA heart scan done. They injected me with some radioactive molecule and then put me in a gamma machine to watch how my blood flows through my body. Anyone who reads this blog knows that I'm super claustrophobic! I was truly terrified, but as soon as I was strapped into this machine complete peace rushed over me! I knew that I was not alone... God was right there with me! It's kind of funny to think about. I mean, there was absolutely no room for anyone else in that gamma machine. But yet the Almighty was in there with me! Makes me think of that old song, "How big is God? How big and wide his vast domain! To try to tell these lips can only start. He's big enough to rule His mighty universe, yet small enough to live within my heart!" I had an awesome time just talking with Him! I'm ashamed to say that I haven't been spending enough time with Him lately. It was almost like He was telling me, "Okay, if you won't come to Me, I'll come to you!"

I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I plan on using the time in that tube to talk with Him again.

All of these tests are leading up to my new MS therapy. Unfortunately, the only approved one that I haven't tried is chemotherapy. Now that's a word that truly terrifies me! The goal is to kill off the white blood cells so that they stop attacking my brain.

Did I tell you that my MS specialist thinks that I'm "complicated"? I found that hilarious when she e-mailed it to me! I mean, the woman is brilliant but she has absolutely no bedside manner! But when it comes to MS, I'll take brilliance over the bedside manner any day! She felt I was complicating things because I told her, after searching for weeks, that there was not an oncologist anywhere in my area willing to take orders from her and prescribe chemotherapy for me. I knew when she told me to find one that I wouldn't be able to. I mean, were living in the "let's sue every doctor we possibly can for everything we possibly can" era, and she wanted me to find one in small town USA that was willing to do something that they are unfamiliar with just because she said so! Oncologists don't prescribe chemotherapy for MS! She just doesn't understand what it's like to live in a rural area because she's always lived in cities.

I do hope to start posting more. We went on vacation last month and had so much fun! I have some great stories to tell you. Of course, that's assuming anyone still reads this blog that was seemingly abandoned!

I'm really tired so I think I'll go rest for a while.

Until next time!
Stacey

Just One Look

Just One Look
©2009 Jerry Bouey

Just one look to Jesus will bring healing to the soul;
Just one look to Heaven and the heart will be made whole;
Just one moment to see Him - just one glimpse of Him today;
Falling in love with Jesus is only just one look away.

One look away from the world, one look away from your sin,
One look away from your idols - looking only unto Him;
Just one look towards the Saviour, one turn away from the past,
One heart reaching towards Jesus, looking only to Him at last.

Just one look to Jesus, just the simple touch of faith;
Just one heart that hungers for something real in its place;
Just one conscience that senses there must be something greater;
Just one longing within your soul to know your own Creator.

Just one look to Jesus, a glance and then a stare;
Just one look to Jesus, to the Lord who really cares;
One look that leads to salvation, one look that's full of faith;
One look that reveals the Saviour, one look that saves by grace.

Just one look to Jesus, the Way, the Truth, the Life;
Just one look to the Master brings calm within the strife;
Just one look filled with hope, one look that brings perfect peace;
One look towards the Saviour and the inward struggles cease.

Just one look to Jesus.
Just one look.


Isaiah 45:22 Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth: for I am God, and there is none else.Hebrews 12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

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I found this posted HERE and thought is was beautiful. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Singing This Sunday

I am TRULY NOTHING without my LORD & SAVIOR!!!

Nothing Without You

Artist: Bebo Norman

And a special thanks, BOBBI, for faithfully keeping the music alive!!!!

Prayer Needed...

A friend of mine was killed instantly in a car crash. She was on a trip with her husband in Maine. They were both in the car when her husband lost control on the snowy road and began sliding sideways. Their car was struck on the passenger side where she was sitting.

She has 3 children with whom DH & I have worked in various children's ministries. The 2 boys are especially sweet. Her daughter went through a very rebellious time, but by God's grace turned her life back to the Lord.

I am not thrilled that these kids are left with their father. He's very unstable and self-centered. He made his wife's life miserable. At least now she will be eternally happy. THANK GOD she was a born again believer!!! She was such a great encourager. She was one of those people who wrote beautiful notes that always seemed to come in your mailbox when you needed them most. I just hurt so much f0r her kids. I'm really hoping that their father will give them to the grandparents. They are really wonderful people and would be so loving to the kids. They did a great job raising the kids' Mom! I'm sure they would do the same for their grandchildren. They raised 13 kids of their own, so they have plenty of experience!

I know I sound judgmental about their father, but there are just so many facts about him that I know but don't wish to share. Just pray f0r her 3 kids. They are all in their teen years.

This is my 2nd friend to be killed in a car crash instantly in the past 9 months. It's so unbelievable! It's sad, but I'm so thankful they didn't suffer. God is even merciful in death.